Linc gets an upgrade.

A few weeks ago, Morgan sent us a picture of Margo in her new twin bed, all cozy and tucked in. Lincoln saw the pictures and immediately said, "WHERES MY BED, I MATCH." I love that he didn't want to match Isabelle down the hall, just Margo his same-size cousin. Lincoln is pretty tall and was reallllly pushing the limits of still being contained in his crib. I love the crib because it's like okay thanks byeeeee gnite go to sleep. Can't get out. Can't run away. Stay in alllllll of nap time. It's glorious.

But he kept talking about his mythical Blue Bed and how he wanted it sooo I finally agreed and we went shopping. First of all, there are not many blue beds in existence. Secondly, the blue beds I like are really expensive. And we live in Redding, with very few options. Ultimately we craistlisted and bought blue bedding hoping that would suffice for Lincoln. The bedding is from Land of Nod and the duvet was $69 on clearance for $19! 

Is it weird that I was emotional when I put him down for his last nap in his crib? It's just one of the final things that makes him a baby. Babies sleep in cribs. Big boys sleep in twin beds and potty train and move away to college. I know I'm really milking the baby thing with Lincoln but it keeps my arms full and my heart patched up so it's okay for a little while. There is just something delicious about lifting a sleepy warm baby out of their crib and patting them on your shoulder for a few minutes after a nap. Our crib is now empty for the first time in five years.

  

Lincoln and I went to pick up the bed in the good ol' 1981 Chevy Scottsdale. (He loves riding in that thing it's like Disneyland.) He helped me clean it up and polish it and wash the bedding and he was SO excited to get it all together. After his nap we packed up his crib related items and set up his new bed. MY BLUE BED MY BLUE BED he would yell to no one in particular.

Night came, and we did our regular routine. Lincoln is sort of...a stinker. I mean, he's 2 1/2 and it's their nature but I fully expected to spend hours putting him back into bed over and over until we both fell asleep on the hallway carpet at midnight. But I gotta give him some credit, I underestimated the little guy. We tucked him in, told him that if he got out of bed, his pacis would go in a time out. If you've met Lincoln, you know his pacis are his precioussss and when he sleeps he has to have three- one for his mouth, and one for each hand to rotate. You guys, I know this is ridiculous. Completely insane, he's way too old for a paci dependency and we will cross that bridge but FIRST we had to train him in his bed. 

It's been a week now and so far he has been wonderful. The pacis have only gone in time out twice, and I think it scared him into realizing that I seriously meant business. He has slept so well and it's nice to know he has tons of room to spread out and roll around. He's pretty proud of himself and wants to show off his bed to anyone who will listen...and I love to lay by him and read stories before bed. It's really a win win situation happening.

My favorite part is in the morning when he gets up, he opens his door to find a baby gate. (Jazz put the gate up just to make sure he doesn't wander in the night.) Every morning he says "Heyyyyyy... who DID dat!" like he's all offended. 

nite nite linc

4 months

I had to count the months on my fingers.. April to May, May to June, June to July, July to August. Four months, even though for some reason I thought it was five. Four sounds so...short. Doesn't feel short though.

Lincoln and I visited Maxwell's park yesterday while Isabelle was at school. I packed a picnic and brought my folding chair and just sat there while Lincoln ate bites of sandwich in between scavenging for acorns. It's peaceful, it's quiet. I talk to him sometimes and tell him what we are all doing, even though I know he already knows, it's comforting to me. His headstone has been ordered and I am anxious to get that in. I hope we like it. I hope its good enough. I hope what we have chosen will be symbol enough of our love for our son and for our eternal family.

The other day I was changing Lincoln's diaper in his room and he said "awwww bay max park!" We hadn't visited in awhile and I said something like yeah we should go visit again. He pointed to nothing in particular and said "bay max!" I asked "Lincoln is baby max with you sometimes?" "yeahhhhh miss you bay max." "Linc what is Max doing?" "He playing cars." Babies are special. Brothers are special.

Lincoln is in his twin bed now and for the first time in five years, our crib is empty, just sitting in the front room waiting to be moved to storage.

What's that saying about not noticing something then you encounter it and bam you see it everywhere? I can't remember. Google says its the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon or the awareness theory but that's not the term I was going for...anyway. The point is that I just was sort of blind to this sort of tragedy and all of the sudden it's everywhere. Infant mortality, babies with congenital heart disease, late term pregnancy loss, etc. Friends, friends of friends, relatives, facebook feeds, blogs... I guess we just don't talk about it very often but it really does happen more often than we think. You just never think it will happen to you. Ever.

Congenital heart defects are the number one birth defect, impacting like 1% of all births. Twice as many children die from chd every year than all forms of childhood cancer combined. Did you know this? I did not. I'm learning a lot. Maxwell was unique in that he didn't just have one heart defect but many. Big ones, in fact, which makes him all the more rare. One in a million, I don't know.

It's hard for me to know what to say when people ask how we are doing. I don't want to sound "fine" like unaffected or over it, but I also don't want to delve into my emotions with every person I encounter. (Like the teller at the bank who asked how many children I had...and why we don't have accounts for all three...) Coping? Is that the word? Getting a little bit better all the time. But also no, not okay. I'm missing a tiny newborn baby. It's not okay. I feel different, like a different version of myself.

Four months. In the days following Maxwell's life, I couldn't see a week in the future. I couldn't imagine getting up and taking care of my children, doing laundry and cooking meals. I didn't think I would be able to mention Max without collapsing into tears. It was hard to imagine going more than a few hours without feeling the most painful sadness I have ever endured. Those days have turned into weeks and the weeks into months, every day is a little bit better than the last.

We love you Max.

party plannin

How to plan and execute an awesome party.

Get inspired.  Think about what your kid/friend/husband loves, think about their style or their favorite things. Each time I have done a party for my babes I pick something that makes them excited. Once Isabelle was old enough, she picked her own party theme (Minnie mouse.) For a baby or wedding shower- think about the guest of honor and what kind of personal style they have. Bright, subtle, modern, vintage etc. Gather ideas from pinterest or that that vast intra-web.

Pick a theme! Decide on color combinations. Set the date and time. Make sure the date works for the people you want to attend, and the time works with nap schedules. Because no party is fun with a screaming baby, right? (right.)

Get going. I usually start by looking at what I already have that can be used. Go through your party supplies for colored balloons or crepe paper, sacks, tissue paper etc. Check your closets and especially your garage, you never know what gems need to be dusted off.  For Lincoln’s chalkboard party, I didn’t have to buy a single frame because I had a bunch of unused ones in the garage that just needed some (red) paint. One of my favorite places to get crap is the dollar sections at Michael’s, Joannes, and Target.  If I see something with potential, I grab it, knowing that if it doesn’t work out for any reason it was only a dollar! I found big red punching balls for Lincoln’s party, 2 for $1 at Michaels.  Score.  And make sure you take coupons for Joanne’s and Michael’s, they always have good ones like 40% off for regular priced items.  One of my favorite tricks is to get a super cheap coordinating tablecloth by purchasing a few yards of fabric from Joanne’s and serging or zigzagging the edges. It’s something really simple that adds a ton to the table. TJ Maxx often has really great scrapbook paper packs or Martha stewart craft supplies way discounted. The dollar store is surprisingly great for favors, colored plates and utensils, craft supplies, and cheap wrapping paper. I can always find things there. I always keep my eyes peeled while I am out with the kids- but if you can sneak away to run errands without them it makes it a lot easier! 

Stay organized. I’m a list person. I seriously make a list every single morning outlining my day or the things that I need to get done. When I have a party on my brain, I write down all my ideas, even if some of them won’t work out, I write it down. Keep a list of the things you have, and the things you need, and projects you want to tackle. I usually keep a big clear tote in the garage and use it to store my “party crap.” That way, it’s all in one place while I plan and gather and work, so I don’t forget what I already have.

Play to your strengths. Use your talents! Try new stuff. I am not great at frosting cakes. I wish I was. So I always pick designs that look good messy, so when I make mistakes it isn’t a big deal. Also, I love felt, there are so many awesome uses for felt, like a billion. I get mine cut from the bolt at joannes. Cheap and durable. Know your stores and your town- Redding is small and so I usually order a few things. Make sure you order what you need early enough to accommodate packing and shipping. For Lincoln’s birthday, I ordered those teeny milk glasses from amazon (actually shot glasses, shhh.) and the giant 36 inch balloons from a random website because I knew no where it town carried them.

Pace yourself! Know that you won’t be able to accomplish everything the morning/day/week of the party. It takes me awhile to get everything ready to go- so I work on my projects a little bit here and a little bit there. It really helps me to make a big list- everything that needs to get done- and then I kind of set up a schedule to make sure I’m not frosting the cake as people show up. Actually, I learned that from Isabelle’s first birthday- there are tons of things you can do the day before, including frost a cake. Morgan always helps me know what I can bake/freeze/prepare in advance so I’m not running around like a chicken with her head cut off. Though I usually do that anyway. I start hanging decorations up the week of the party- some things take a long time (like Isabelle’s crepe paper wall. Consuming.)

Ask for help! Look people, it takes a village, and my village is always willing to pitch in and help. A few times I have had people bring food or treats (artichoke dip! Salad!).  That water dispenser that is always at my house? Not mine, its borrowed. I’ve also borrowed cake plate and platters before I had enough of my own. When I wanted to cut out mickey mouse shaped invitations for Isabelle’s 3^rd bday, I called up Lanece to see if she could help me with her cricut and she totally came through. Saved me. I’ve also borrowed paper cutters, circle stampers, decorations- maybe the most helpful thing is when Jazz takes care of both kids so I can work on things. So appreciative of that. When Morgan is in town, she takes care of the cupcakes and frosting and making amazzzzzing baked goods. Everyone should have a professional baker in the family.

Remember- it’s temporary! When I did Isabelle’s first birthday, I sewed what felt like miles of pennant banners, front and back, and binded them with bias tape. Was extremely cute but extremely time consuming. I’ve reused them a ton and they hang in her room so it was worth it- but I didn’t realize that the decorations don’t need to last. If I have learned anything from my mom’s theater experience it is that “It is a show.” No one needs to see the back of things or look closely to see if the materials you used are traditional party things- be creative! 

This little Lincoln sign is actually a Christmas decoration that spells out “believe.” I circle punched some black paper, used some chalk and voila- personalized letter blocks. Also, the cake stand was on post- Christmas clearance for two dollars. One, two. The "L" Letter was pulled from his room.

Red buckets- dollar store. I added chalkboard paint.

All this crap was in my garage. The "1" signs are cardboard inserts from Isabelle's giant coloring books. The White frame was also in the garage- I bought it at a garage sale last year for $8. It had sheep fabric in the middle which I removed, and painted the back with chalkboard paint.Ribbon was leftover from Isabelle's Minnie mouse party, pictures printed out at Costco.

The hanging garlands are felt and paper leftover from invitations polka dot envelopes- circles cut and sewed in a straight line. Frames from the garage, napkins from Isabelle's Minni party, red treat cups from TJ Maxx. The "one" sign is actually chalkboard fabric from Joanne's, hung by fishing line. The red ball is a ten inch beach ball.

Crepe paper from the dollar store! Ruffled via sewing machine, hung with regular tape. The pink ruffled cake stand actually has grapevines around the outside, I just taped fabric over it. Cotton candy was randomly from kmart. Plates, yellow polka dot mat and pink tray, all from the dollar store. Pom balls- styrofoam from the dollar store, felt and fabric pinned in with straight pins.

The "1"s are actually cut out from dollar section stationary- it's the letter L. Now I use that wreath for Valentine's Day.

Party hat made from a paper towel roll. the "1" sign in the background is foam core covered in fabric. I always grab any framed pictures I have of Iz or Linc and set them out.

Sabrina's Bridal Shower: tablecloth and poms from Isabelle's party, treats by Morgan, cupcake garnish from paper leftover from invitations

Those teeny trees were $2.50 in that front section at Target. Now I use them for Easter crap. 

the first week

Well the first week is over and so far so good! (I almost typed "and nobody died" but that was a little to harsh/real/depressing soooo nevermind.)

The night before school started, she came in our room multiple times in the night just to see if it was time to get up and get ready- she was so excited. She ate breakfast and I packed her a lunch and we did her hair and put on her special outfit. Snapped a few pictures, and loaded her up in the car. Lincoln was still sleeping so Jazz got him up while I ran across town. I didn't know how long I needed to stay, would she cry, would she be totally fine, etc so we elected to leave the toddler at home because, cmon we all know Lincoln.

I held her little hand and she walked next to me with her backpack and lunch box and my heart almost exploded. I was so proud of her and excited for her but also a little sad that we were HERE already. We got to her class and found her name on her table. She said hello to a few new friends and then just like that, it was time for me to leave my first born in a room full of strangers. Such a weird concept.

I hugged her tight and kissed her and she seemed.....great. She didn't need me to stay, she wasn't scared or worried or anything. She was ready. And I hovered in the hallway, peeking through her classroom window for just a few extra minutes, mostly for my heart rather than hers. She got a name tag and shyly talked to her neighbor and pretty soon was playing puzzles like she had been doing it all her life. 

No tears! Okay well, actually I bumped into a woman from church in the hallway and as I was telling her about Isabelle being in TK my throat got all tight and my voice got all high and she was like YOU NEED A HUG and I was all like YES I DO. So maybe two little tears slipped out but I think that's only fair when you close one chapter and open another.

And when I picked her up, she was bright and shiny and happy and had tons of things to tell me about her teacher and recess and lunch and all the things she did. I left her a note in her lunchbox (she can't read so my options here are limited) but she said "Mom, I got your message!" Five days in and I feel so confident in our decision to put her in TK at this specific school. Isabelle we LOVE you. Today she came home and I asked if she ate her cookie (we made them yesterday for a cousin play date and had some left over). She told me she didn't eat her cookie because there was no one around to ask if she had eaten enough of her lunch. Like, she needed approval that her sandwich was gone in order to deserve the cookie I packed. OH MAN. 

It is so weird for me to spend my days just me and Lincoln. I'm not used to having just one child, and I never thought I would only have one child at home ever again. We had busy things planned the first few days- playdates and errands, and so far it is working to pick Izzie up at 1:35 and put him down for a nap by 2. It's nice to have some one on one time to sit and do exclusively what he wants to do. Stuff is definitely easier with one kid to keep track of- although they play so well together he really misses her. Belle? Belle? he asks. When we pick her up he hugs the stuffing out of her. Being here at home while Izzie is gone is more work than having both of them home, but running errands out and about is (usually) easier with just Lincoln.

I will say.... it will take awhile for me to get used to functioning so early. Generally the kids sleep in until 7:30 and we leisurely approach the day with breakfast at 8. Now, Isabelle has to be up dressed fed and out the door by 7:10, a time which I am usually still in bed. Sleeping. With my blindy mask on.

Lincoln is 2 1/2 and often can't make up his mind. Have you seen that website Reasons my son is crying? We've had a few of them lately. Fits of mass proportion set off by ridiculous things such as

• the song he requested he just remembered he hated it
• I made him choose between two different shoes
• the cup full of ice didn't have enough ice
• his slice of bread wasn't huge enough
• I forced him to wear a seat belt
• won't let him drive even though it's "his turn"
• refused him a fruit snack at 8 am even though he found it himself
• the mac and cheese he ordered is elbow shaped not shells
• I put his bedding in the washer (that one was particularly bad)
• I wouldn't let him sleep with a length of rope
• we don't have a dog ("I neeeed, I neeeeed)
• I didn't bring the right purple/red/blue/green cup/car/train

When he is not throwing a fit he is delightful and hilarious... this morning he casually said "Ummm, I think so...yeah." 

He insisted on sleeping with his 20384629 animals. 

Took me like ten minutes to stealthily remove them all after he was asleep.

ALSO I can't believe I didn't lead with this but... Isabelle has a loose tooth. SHE IS NOT EVEN FIVE. It's been a big week over here. I am so resistant to change, I'm a creature of habit.. but in this case change is good. 

transitional kindergarten

Isabelle at four months. 

Isabelle starts transitional kindergarten in six days. After having her with me almost all the time for nearly five years, suddenly she will be spending 30 hours a week at school. Who's crazy idea was this.

I was standing in the snack aisle at Costco tonight and I realized I will packing lunches for the next twenty years of my life or something ridiculous like that. We've stocked her closet with school clothes, picked out a grown up backpack and worn in new closed toed shoes. Isabelle is thrilled and is so excited- her biggest concern is if someone will help her know where the bathroom is. My heart is going to explode. What if she can't open her granola bar! Or if she skins a knee at recess! Will she say please and thank you? Will she go by Izzie or Isabelle? I'm not ready to send her out into the world!

We weren't planning on putting her in a full day five day a week program this year. I thought she wasn't ready, I was worried about how Lincoln would feel without her, I thought it would be too much with a newborn at home. Things change and over the summer I just felt Izzie was getting... bored. She is smart, she is curious, she is helpful and kind. She is ready for the next thing and despite me freaking out inside my head, she's going to school all day without me. All. day.

Transitional Kindergarten is a newish program for the 4-year old children who turn five before the end of the year. It's sort of like preschool/ kindergarten combined and it is supposed to get them totally ready for kindergarten. Some kids really excel and then they go right into first grade instead of a year of traditional kindergarten. Sometimes the TK and the K kids are all mixed together in one classroom but this year they have enough TK students for one official TK class, which is good because then her curriculum will be different next year. Fresh stuff. And I hear wonderful things about her teacher, so that is encouraging.

Of course I have mixed feelings about this. She's so ready, she will excel, I want her to learn and grow and make friends and develop her strengths and talents. On the other hand, she's my first, the one that made me a mama, and I remember how teeny tiny she was the night she was laid in my arms. She has needed me for everything for so long that I can't imagine her being so brave and independent. It's a big jump.

Our whole schedule is going to change- lazy mornings will be a thing of the past. If you know me, you know morning is not exactly my peak time so that is a challenge in itself. No more last minute trips out of town, early bird movies or morning swim dates. School is a commitment. I guess we are committed.

I can't wait for her to come home and tell me what she learned and the activities she did and who she talked to and sat by at lunch. She is excited. Lincoln on the other hand.... I think he will be pretty bummed. He keeps saying "I go too! I go tooooo!" and I think it's going to break his heart when we leave Isabelle at her classroom and I force him back to the car. They are such buddies, and he will miss his "Belle." He and I will have some special one on one time though, and 2 1/2 is one of my favorite ages ever.

So if you need me on Monday, just expect me to be bawling my eyes out sitting in my van in the parking lot of her school. This came so quickly. Everyone says it does but you just ignore them and remember how many times you were up in the night calming a fussy baby. "The days are long and the years are short." So, so true.

down by the bay

Over the last few weeks I was just itching to get out of town and escape the brutal 110 degree daily heat. Do you guys ever get like that? Need to go and see some things and have a change of pace... seems it always happens towards the end of the summer for me. Anyway, I decided last minute to take the kids down to Monterey to see the aquarium and play at the beach a little bit. Jazz had to work because he is a grown up, so we invited my mom to come. We are so lucky because my mom makes everything better and way more fun. Sunday night we threw some clothes in a bag and Monday we drove the 5+ hours down south to Highway 1.

We stopped in Los Gatos to see some cousins and have lunch in their amazing backyard. The kids got to swim for awhile and get their energy out. Lincoln thinks he doesn't need a floaty in the pool anymore (usually I am in the pool with him.) so this made things interesting slash dicey.

We eventually made it to Monterey and played at the beach for awhile. Water was freezing. Lincoln didn't care at allllll, got right in. We drove around to try to get some fish and chips but had a hard time finding anything without a significant wait that was also kid friendly. After almost an hour we gave up and hit mcds. Win some/lose some.

(also, if you get the chance to stay in a hotel room with my mom, do it, cause she tells the best stories when the lights are out. just sayin.)

The next morning we got to the aquarium a little bit after opening and it was BIZZAY. Yes it's summer, I assumed it would be crowded but it was sort of insane. The weirdest part was people weren't very polite or accommodating, you think the taller adults would stand back and let the little ones stand by the glass during feeding times but OH NO. I felt like we were the only humans who knew how to say "Excuse me please." What is that about. ALSO one more thing, the cameras! Like people holding their big ipads up to every single exhibit... video taping every fish.... selfies in front of all the glass. I get it, we like taking pictures, and I'm the first to admit that I'm completely guilty. I love pictures! But cmon, time and a place, people.  Take a few here and there and move on..You really don't need 100 pictures of a moon jellyfish or ten angles of the shark tank on your iphone. I promise you aren't gonna blow them up and hang them in your house, especially with no people in the frame.

All that being said, we (I) love that aquarium. Last time I was there was about six years ago and they had a juvenile great white shark on display, it was amazing. We don't have anything like that up here where we live so the kids got to see sea otters, tons of jelly fish, sharks, rays, starfish, turtles, big tuna, octopuses (is that the correct plural form. Cause the other option just doesn't sound right.) all up close in really beautiful displays. This kind of stuff is so interesting to me and I think in another life I was like a biologist or a vet or something because I'm always drawn to animals. The kids had a really great time and wore themselves out running around. So thankful my mom was with me- we ended up sort of ditching the stroller and each taking a kid so we could get up close and see better. Lincoln = fast. Isabelle's favorites were the sea otters and the starfish that she could see down on the reef. Linc loved the jellys and also the fruit snacks I snuck in to get him to sit still.

Of course, there was the ocean like right there out the window. We watched the boats go by and the fog roll away, spied the sea lions down on the rocks and tried reallllllly hard to see whale spouts. The weather was gorgeous and so refreshing. Totally worth the drive and all the sand in my car.

We finally got our fish and chips (halibut!) right on the wharf... loaded the kids back up and headed north. A quick stop in vacavillle for sandwiches and a peek in the home goods store, and then we were home. Two days away was the perfect little mini vacation.

And now here is an embarrassing amount of pictures.

Isabelle, Ellery, Lincoln, and Tucker the dog.

This backyard was unreal. 

Some of our lady cousins! Vicki, Stephanie, Kathryn with Cosette, Me Iz and Mom

Lover's Point Beach

my mom is my best friend. we love adventures.

We found this big heart made out of rocks and the kids took it upon themselves to take all the rocks back to the ocean. In my mind, it was a little love note from maxwell. 

his legs. seriously.

Aquarium! with her "nap". Had to have the nap at all times.

this shows the inside of a wave.

exploring various sea textures

  

sharkssssssssss. 

That view! And Lincoln's face...

the birthday boy

When I first learned that Jazz also had a July birthday, it was almost a deal breaker for me. July is my "birth month" as we call it in my house, and I get to use that as a great excuse for a whole 31 days. Luckily, Jazz was born on the very last day of the month, and I decided I would grant him just one day in July to celebrate his birthday. That's true love right there.

Jazz met my family for the first time shortly after we started dating. I think we had been on two dates? And my parents were visiting Utah and planned to spend a few days at my aunt and uncle's cabin up in Heber. At the last minute, I invited him to come up and spend the day with us and to sort of meet everyone. I totally assumed he would be freaked out and politely decline the offer to be bombarded by my large and boisterous family, but to my surprise he accepted the invitation.

So he bravely met my family, particularly my parents and my extra friendly and sometimes indecent Uncle Kerry. We played games and ate yummy food and then we took some snowmobiles out. I had never been on a snowmobile but had lots of experience on a jetski- and how different are they really? We headed out along the trails, and I overestimated my abilities a little bit. I ended up bailing off of my snowmobile towards the top of a little mountain, hoping it wouldn't roll over me and crush me in the process.

Jazz was a little distance away with my parents, and when he saw me tumbling down the hill he SPRINTED through the knee deep snow to come to my rescue. I had never had anyone come to my rescue before. It's been seven years since Jazz dusted me off and helped me back on the snowmobile, and I still feel like he is consistently running across the snow to pick me up.

I've always loved Jazz, but I love him even more this year as he enters his "mid thirties." I think he would be less than pleased if I divulged his true age but he was born in the 1970's. There is no one I would rather navigate the challenges of this life with than him-he is kind and helpful and considerate and responsible.

To celebrate, we ate a bunch of food, went swimming, and shared vanilla cupcakes. 

Lincoln's stink eye face. My favorite.