a little birthday party

Friday was Max's birthday. Jazz took the day off so we could all be together, sometimes it's hard to know how you are going to feel on a certain day. Anyway. We made it whole year! Happy Birthday to our Max, to his little life. A big day for our entire family!

I thought long and hard about how we were going to spend April 24th. What to do? I had grand ideas of doing something in his honor, something for the hospital, a program to put in place for newborns or other mothers and fathers who are grieving. We talked about raising money so we could buy hand and foot mold kits to donate to the labor and delivery unit. We talked about a balloon release. We also talked about just staying home and laying in bed with a mountain of chocolate too, though that one was vetoed.

Trying to plan something so big was giving me major anxiety- it was a massive project that couldn't be completed in time for his birthday and it was seriously stressing me out. As I was discussing this with my grief counselor I see periodically, she pointed out something so obvious. Nothing I had planned would be "big enough" or "special enough." I was equating my love for Max with this big project and they were NOT RELATED. She told me to do what felt right for us, and duh, of course. Anxiety gone. We have plenty of time for a project, I just wanted to feel happy on his birthday.

Last year I spent the day before Max's birth rolling out and making pans of homemade cinnamon rolls, and now they always remind me of that. We took them to the hospital for our doctor and the nursing staff to enjoy on his birthday as a little thank you... so we did the same this year. I made batches and batches of rolls, put a picture and a note about Max on top and we delivered them to the labor and delivery unit. Being back at the hospital was HARD. We parked in the same spot and it was so weird remembering how we felt going in to the hospital last year. So different! Our dear friend Carol was there working and she helped me keep it together. She took us back into the nurses station and all of our favorite nurses from that day were there! We hugged and talked about Max and about our kids starting kindergarten and I felt normal for a few minutes. It was nice to see the people who took care of us and who helped us so much when Max was born, they have a special place in my heart.

We also took cinnamon rolls to my OB, Dr. Kang and her staff. Just love this lady, she's amazing. 

At four we met at Maxwell's park for cupcakes. It was a little windy but not hot, just perfect weather. We sang a quick verse of happy birthday before the kids could grab the treats. We chatted for a few minutes while they kids ran around with frosting on their faces.

The girls had ballet that afternoon and came in their fancy attire. Nothing more appropriate for a party than dress ups and hats.

my people

There were no invitations sent out, no fun banners to make with my cricut. No pinata or party favors. Just a few of my most favorite people, remembering Max. Thank you to all who made the day special and happy. What a year it has been! Someone told me that the hardest year is behind us, and I sure hope that is true.

We went to my parents' for pizza and playtime, but about five minutes into dinner Lincoln threw up. Never a dull moment around here. 

Happy Birthday to Maxwell

Dear Maxwell- on the first anniversary of your birth,

When you were born and wrapped up on my chest, I was holding you with one arm, trying so hard to see you and soak you in for a few minutes. My body was numb and it was so hard to hold you, I stroked your cheek with my thumb. I sang to you one quiet little verse of Happy Birthday, and it was just me and you and that song. If I had known it was the only time I would sing it to you, I would have prepared a big band, an orchestra of instruments to sing you the greatest rendition of Happy Birthday ever heard. But it was just me and you, my voice wavy with emotion, overcome with your perfection.

What was supposed to be a year of "firsts" for you become a year of "firsts" for us. Our first Disney vacation without you. Our first family celebration. Our first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter. We visit your park on those days, taking little trinkets and hand colored drawings. We visit when we need to feel you close.

This is our last "first"...your first birthday. I wish I was planning a big celebration for you, instead we will eat cupcakes in your honor and write messages for you in balloons. Lincoln asked if there will be a party, and there will be! We will gather round and think of your little life and the big impact you have had on our family, how we will never be the same. This year has been a challenge, a trial in a way I never could have imagined, but I am thankful for it and for you, for the few minutes we were gifted together.

I looked through our pictures of you today. I zoomed in on your hands, your feet, your little wrinkled knees and your pudgy thighs. You look like one of ours, like Iz and Linc, a little blend of the Sumsions and Sorensens.

Ohhh Max. How we miss you. We miss you EVERY day, all day long. I so look forward to the day when I can hold you again, when I can sing you more songs, when I can tell you how much I love you.

Until we meet again my sweet boy-

All my love,

Mama

We share this video of Max with so much love and adoration. Jazz taped a few minutes of him crying while I was still in surgery, and I'm forever thankful to him for it. We haven't shared it before because of how precious it is, but thought now would be an appropriate time.

"Spring Break"

In quotes because LOLOLOL "break." This is our first year of school so it's sort of new to us- in previous years I have disliked spring break because all the big kids flood our fav places and make them all busy. Big kids don't see little kids. Also, I'm selfish.

The first three days were rainy and freezing cold. Not so springy. I'm all about toy rotation- we got out "new" buckets of toys... it was fun for about two hours. No wait, I take that back. I LOVE spring break from about 6 am - 8 am. Then it's sort of stupid. Let me sum up those days in four sentences.

"Mom Winc-in hit me!"

"Mom Winc took my thing!"

"Mom Winc-in is sitting on me!"

"Mom Winc threw that at me"

Then came:

"I want to do something fun."

"I wanna watch a show."

"When is Dad getting home" (I'm obviously the least favorite parent.)

"I'm bored."

I consider myself a fairly "fun" mom, we always have crafts around, we got outside a lot, and all you have to do is mention chocolate chips and I've got the mixer out. What HAPPENS to kids on spring break? It's like they forget how to play and be normal! No one had napped in days. Like not even "rest time" and I was about to lose my mind, plus Jazz went out of town.. Finally I declared a "nature drive" with their blankets and I kid you not, in fifteen minutes I had two sleeping children. Miracle.

7 am, loving spring break.

we fed ducks.

Izzie rode her bike almost three miles while I pushed Linc in the stroller

By Wednesday I was like THERE WILL BE FUN TODAY. We went all over town looking for some yard items. We even ATE MCDONALDS and then WENT TO A MOVIE in the middle of the day! "There are no rules in the house, I'm not like a *regular* mom, I'm a *cool* mom. (mean girls obviously)

Thursday the girls had ballet and a SLEEPOVER at grandma's. Did you know we meet together with our local family members for dinner almost every Thursday? Tonight is Burrito Night!

with our important accessories such as sequin crowns, chinese fans, and a calculator.

I love this picture.

 Also, Jazz helped us build a little rube inspired by our trip to the phoenix children's museum. It turned out great and the kids love it. I used a hacksaw and made lemonade mostly.

Yes we still have a changing pad. The most difficult part of my day is getting this kid dressed.

Friday, in their lipstick and boots, the girls had a horseback riding lesson. Pretty much the greatest day of their entire lives. It deserves it's own post though.

WHAT I HAVE LEARNED:

1. Schedule play dates
2. Schedule other play dates
3. Go out of town.

Easter

We kicked off Easter week with a little Easter party for Isabelle's kindergarten class. Linc was allowed to tag along for a few hours and he was seriously so excited to be with the big kids. He sat on the rug, stood in line- I swear it was the best behaved he has ever been. The kids went to recess while we set up the room and there was NO WAY he was staying behind. They made the cutest little Easter baskets with real grass growing in them. Kindergarten, you are adorable.

On Saturday we went to my parents' house for the annual Easter Egg Hunt. The kids always run crazy while the grown ups frantically search for the Golden Egg. This egg always has $$$ in it and I'm proud to say this year it was MINE. Two years running for the Sorensen family...

Isabelle lost two more teeth that week. One she swallowed again, one she did not. 

going over their goodies

Linc was like THERE IS CHOCOLATE IN ALL THE EGGS BRB GOTTA EAT THEM.

trading pink for blue and other important things

Easter morning was General Conference for our church, a worldwide meeting that happens twice a year where we can listen to and watch inspiring talks by our leaders. It also means no church- so we had a nice slow morning gorging on easter chocolate and laying around in our pajamas. 

weekend with our cousins...

Linc, Ellie, Adi, Iz and Dayton

 The kids have been SO looking forward to their Utah cousins coming out for a quick visit on their way down to southern California. Everyday Linc would bust out of his room and say IS ELLIE HERE YET? It's so fun to have older cousins, my kids just think they are the best. We had only a few days together but we packed it in. A walk at the preserve, a visit to Maxwell's park, the ladybug park, Grandma Cindy's backyard, an Easter egg hunt and of course we can never skip the Burrito. Izzie and Linc are basically obsessed with their cousins and didn't leave them alone for a second.

Getting her makeup done.

I love that they wanted to visit Max. They came out for Max's service a year ago and wanted to see his stone all finished. The kids made Easter egg notes and we laminated them for his little area. (plot? that's too sad.)

Barbies. (also our new couches came! horray we are grown ups!)

the boys

the little ladies

We had so much fun in just a few days, the kids played and played and played (which is so great.) Ellie I know you will read this so THANK YOU for a great weekend, my kids ask to facetime you basically everyday.