Family Pictures

It's nearly Christmas and I think all of our cards have been sent out so I feel like I can share our family pictures.

It was hard to send out a card this year. We wanted to include Maxwell.. he is so much a part of our family.. but didn't know the right way to do it. So we wore red ribbons to honor Max, red is the color for congenital heart defects. I wish so much that instead of ribbons I had a fat baby in my arms.

Kara took our pictures this year, we had about 45 minutes for a mini session and Linc gave us a solid 15 minutes before he was DONE. Some tears and timeouts and we got a few more out of him. Kara is awesome and fast and man, we love her.

I love this one.

I love this one too.

Some big news...

I know I posted this on other media sites so this probably isn't news to everyone.

We are expecting baby #4 in June. 

We are so excited. Nervous. Really nervous, but excited.

Feels sort of crazy to be pregnant again, I feel like I just did this... we are just finishing the first trimester and I'm feeling mostly goodish. I'm really tired, and I have to keep food on my stomach. My OB is so wonderful, she has given me ultrasounds at every visit just for reassurance. So far everything looks good, heartbeat is nice and steady. One baby..arms and legs and feet and stuff.

The ultrasound tech asked me what if this was my first baby... and no, it's my fourth. My oldest is five. Then I have to sort of explain why I'm getting extra ultrasounds and why this pregnancy is so close to my last. I got through it without crying though and that was a big milestone for me! Then I cried just a few tears when I heard the heartbeat... because it just makes it so much more real. We are so blessed.

We hope this will be a very normal and uneventful pregnancy. I will have more in depth ultrasounds and a special fetal echo done on the baby's heart some time in the second trimester. Maxwell's heart problems were not genetic, they were by chance and the odds of us having another heart baby are small. We do know I will deliver around 38 weeks... since this c-section is so close to my last, the hope is that I don't go into labor at all by myself. No labor = good. 

We know this baby will be special and will help heal our hearts a little bit- but no baby will replace Maxwell. He is our third child, just as important as our others... I just have to wait a little longer to hold him again. We are taught

“The body will come forth as it is laid to rest, for there is no growth or development in the grave. As it is laid down, so will it arise, and the changes to perfection will come by the law of restitution. But the spirit will continue to expand and develop, and the body, after the resurrection, will develop to the full stature of man."

What a privilege to be a mother, we are so thankful we get to do this all over again.

Nutcracker

Does anyone else feel like December is kicking them in the face? Today is the 18th and the last 2 1/2 weeks have been a blurry tornado. Christmas is in one week and I am about 40% ready. And that's being generous.

A lot of week last week was dedicated to Isabelle's participation in the Nutcracker. She had lots of late night rehearsals and then performances Thursday, Friday and Saturday. She was cast as one of the little peppermints that comes out from under Madame Ginger's skirt. Seriously it was the highlight of the ballet..I may be partial but these little kids STOLE THE SHOW.

I watched most of the performances because I couldn't help it. Her two minutes was totally worth the entire two hour show... she does this one little part where she runs out in front and waves to me in the audience and I wave back because I am cheesy and my heart explodes. I mean, she's five.

My mom is over the Peppermints, she does the choreography and the costumes and even built the giant dress that has to be hoisted by a lift up and onto Louie, who plays Madame Ginger ON STILTS. He is great, totally perfect for this part.

Here is a video I sneaky took during one of the school shows. She is last out of the dress and fourth from the right. Sorry the lighting isn't great, I was in row like K and I had a cell phone, so....that's why.

Here's the youtube link if you want to see it larger: http://youtu.be/tp_yPyU3UZo

Actually go there to watch it, it's way better.

The last night we had our church party and I was leading the music so we had to divide and conquer- Jazz went to Izzie's show and I took Linc to the party. When Santa came I was sure he would not be interested in visiting with him but NO. The kids all lined up and said he would do it by himself so I sat below the stage and watched. He climbed right up and asked for more trains and a treat bag for Isabelle. Success.

Today Isabelle is on winter break for two weeks and I am THRILLED. We have no where to be! We are eating popcorn and watching Christmas movies in our jammies and baking treats for our friends. Perfect.

Maxwell's marker

On Thursday afternoon we got the call that Maxwell's headstone and bench had been placed at his plot. It has been so delayed- months and months of waiting... the granite was stuck in customs for some time... I had no idea the color I selected was "special order." My husband will say this is not surprising.

Anyway, Friday morning we went out in the rain and had donuts together. When we arrived, the gates weren't open yet and we had to wait for the grounds keeper to come and unlock it.. I just sat in the car and put on Maxwell's song and just cried. I miss him, and this seems so unfair and sad and sometimes I'm so surprised that this is my life, on a Friday morning, waiting to enter the cemetery to visit the grave of my child.

We agonized over the details of his marker. There were so few things that I was able to choose and provide for him and I felt like if this wasn't just perfect it would be so disappointing for me and for Max.

When we pulled up, immediately I felt so relieved. The color was gorgeous, everything looked so sharp and how I imagined it. I tearfully got out of the car, and Lincoln immediately face planted into the mud. Any sort of sadness in my heart was replaced with laughter, Linc was covered in mud and he kept saying "COME WIPE ME." He never quite recovered and spent most of the time in the car half naked.

This is the back and the bench that sits at the foot of his plot. We had several donations from friends and family, and everything we received went towards this bench. I will be sitting on this bench for maybe fifty years. It's beautiful. We wanted to include the children on the back- Max is their brother and I know this has been hard for them too. Izzie found her name right away and was so pleased. The building on the front is the LDS Sacramento Temple, where Jazz and I were sealed together for eternity. Because of this, we know we will be with Maxwell again.

any future children can be added as well

Here we will sit and visit, bring donuts and picnics and gather with our family to honor and remember this little boy that changed our lives. We will bring our kids here and tell them about their brother that was too perfect to stay. The final item on our to-do list has been completed, and I'm so thankful that it turned out the way that we wanted it to. If it were a symbol of my love, I would have built Max a castle on his plot, a monumental skyscraper to declare to everyone just how special he is. Of course he didn't need that, and his simple stone is a perfect reflection of his perfect little soul.

Our beloved son, meaning dearly loved or precious, until we meet again.