Three years of Max

Dear Max, on your third birthday,

Today it has been three years since you were laid on my chest, your chubby body wrapped up, your dark hair poking out of your little newborn hat. You had some good loud cries but you were calm with me. You and I spent five minutes together, I sang to you and told you that I was your mama. I kissed your face and you were gone.

While the nurses took you to the nicu, your heart gave out. It had worked SO hard to grow and make your body so nice and fluffy but it could not compensate any longer. When you died, your heart stopped and your spirit left your body and it was a done deal, there was no reviving you, no in between, no back and forth. A profound little life, a profound death.

In some ways time makes being apart easier, and in other ways it makes it more miserable. Another year closer to seeing you again! But another year passed since I held your little body. It feels like yesterday and also a lifetime ago. Hard to imagine what you would be like at this age! To me, you are eternally a sweet newborn babe until I can get to you again, to hold you and drink in your smell and feel the fuzz on your ears.

Max, you are just as much a part of our family as Isabelle and Linc and now new baby Thatcher. These kids love you and talk about you all the time. Until we meet again sweet baby,

xoxo

mama.

Jazz took the day off of work today which was SO nice. We spent the day taking cinnamon rolls to the L and D unit, the NICU and our favorite OB's office. We do this every year and I love that they remember us, they are so nice. We were planning on cupcakes at Max's park at 6 pm but it was so rainy and dark I thought we were going to have to cancel. Jazz and I visited Max's park this morning with Thatcher in case the weather was terrible later in the day. JaNae called and offered her house AND dinner so we planned for that and hoped it would clear up. The skies parted, the rain stopped, we had glorious weather, no mud... they even mowed the lawn today at some point! Answer to prayers. I'm so thankful for these people who celebrate with us every year... it makes me feel so loved. 

We took Thatcher with us while the kids were at school and it was great to have a recent happy memory of the hospital.

My favorite doctor ever. We popped in  with our treats and she is SO busy like literally can't take new patients and she came out to talk to us for a few minutes. I love her so much!

This baby. Healer of hearts.

All the kids wrote messages on balloons so the wind could take the messages up to heaven.

Linc wrote his name and drew he and Max together.

Iz wrote "we all love you I love you the most." 

Shark cupcakes. Just because.

Baylor

beautiful sky!

I got in the car to come home and got this message from Sabrina. They were celebrating too. This made me CRY like I love my people so much and I am so thankful that they love Max too. Then when we got home there were flowers, balloons and chocolate on my porch from my friends. We sure felt loved today.

Dr. Kang asked me if it was easier this year to celebrate Maxwell with Thatcher in my arms. Yes and no, I think. Yes, easier, my heart has been healed so much with this happy baby who loves me so much. Last year I was pregnant for Max's birthday and we were so nervous and now look! Here we are a year later with a seven month old. But also, No, not easier... having Thatcher has reminded me a lot of the things I missed out on with Max. I feel totally gypped. (That's the right spelling I looked it up.) And looking at Max's birth pictures I can't help but see Thatcher too and feel sad for all of this time I've had with my other babies but not with Max. I nursed Thatcher to sleep tonight for the millionth time and I never got to do that with Maxwell. So yeah, better and worse. I cried a lot. I always do, my face is fat and my eyes are swollen and I'm so looking forward to resting my brain and my heart and my body. It feels good to celebrate his life, even if it's sad and hard, I love him so much and I would give him life over and over again for those five minutes. Totally worth it.

Thatcher James, 7 months

We will do sort of a double post here and pretend that I didn't just miss his six month update.

Thatcher at 7 months! Such a happy baby, smiles at anything and everything. Thatcher got his first bites of food this month and hasn't looked back. FIVE TEETH. Favorites are sweet potatoes, pears, ritz crackers, and chunks of bananas. Least favorite would be avocado and peas, those were a no-go. He has five teeth but I'm still surprised that he wants to feed himself snack foods! I handed him a pizza crust last week just to keep him busy and he was DELIGHTED. More food mom, give me more food. Carbs, please.

Wearing size 3 diapers, 6-9 month clothes, somewhere around 15 pounds- he has these tiny little arms and a few delicious rolls on his thighs. He is starting to get on more of a schedule- taking a morning nap and an afternoon nap and sometimes a bonus one before bed. Night time sleeping.... varies but usually he wakes up 1-2 times to nurse and then goes back to sleep. He likes to fall asleep with a little softie blankie by his face. He does wake up early though, usually between 6 and 6:30 and Jazz is incredibly helpful to take that early shift so I can get a few more minutes of sleep. I love sleep.

Thatcher loves his exersaucer thingy, he loves to lay on the floor with his toys but NOT be on his tummy. Will immediately flip. definitely not going to set records for crawling, he has no interest. His most very favorite thing in the whole world is watching Iz and Linc. Izzie LOVES Thatcher- she always wants to go get him after his nap, hold him, get him out of the car seat, etc. Linc on the other hand... once in awhile he will jump around and Thatcher just explodes in giggles, totally out of the blue. Sometimes Linc will do it again, more often he is like nah I got stuff to do. There are a few sweet moments where he says "I'll keep an eye on the baby" or "Mom Thatcher needs his Paci" but mostly it's "Can Thatcher go to sleep now." lol. Thatcher's favorite toys are an empty water bottle, Jazz's beard, and this tiny pirate rattle we have.

I just feel like the luckiest mama in the world. He is just so easy going, he fits into our family so well. He is my little constant companion, and I love that he is mine and I am his and we go everywhere together. My timehop reminded me that this time last year we had just found out that our baby was a boy, and that everything looked healthy... I remember leaving the cardiologists office down at UC Davis after having our fetal echo and seeing all four chambers of our little baby's heart. I got in the car and just cried RELIEF. That little heart was and is perfect and it's such a miracle that he is here with us. The other day my mom said something like- I don't think anyone has enjoyed a baby as much as you have enjoyed this one. I am savoring this stage so much. Thatch, we love you.

first foods!

first swing

We celebrated Piper's bday with all our friends. The three of us started with one kid, now there are this many!

Teefs.

Sunday will come

These are my kids! Gah!

I love Easter weekend. The Saturday Easter Egg Hunt at my mom's always has great weather, my favorite people, yummy food, and happy kids. We've had so much rain this year I didn't know if we would have a good window, but it was GLORIOUS. We spent the whole day outside- the kids swam and played in the splash pad and scootered all day long. We love our cousins! How lucky we are to live close, to enjoy my parents' amazing back yard, to have so many fun things around, and to honestly enjoy each other's company. It's one of my most favorite days of the year- Egg Hunt plus linger longer. Also, I found the golden egg this year, kind of a big deal.

Today was Easter Sunday... I always struggle on Easter Sunday. Totally mixed emotions for me... thinking about the sacrifice of our Savior always humbles me and makes me so thankful that I will see Max again. But also it makes me sad. Sad he isn't here, sad I don't get to make a little Easter basket for him, sad I don't have a three year old running around. This year Easter is really close to Maxwell's birthday so ALL THE FEELINGS today. I've been a weepy mess. Crying makes me tired, and sometimes I just want to hibernate.

This morning after Thatcher's nap, we somehow all ended up on our big bed together. The kids were trying to make Thatch laugh, I was trying to keep my eyes open. There was this whole quadrant of the bed that was empty, and I thought of Max and how I wished he was there to fill that lil space. On the bed and in my life.

Tender mercies though- having Thatcher around is so joyful. He's so happy. I'm so happy he is here this year, and that he wore Lincoln's little overalls to church. So happy we spent the second hour of church in the mother's lounge feeding and napping. He's so good for my soul. During the opening hymn I was having a hard time keeping it together and I looked down and right there on Thatcher's leg was an imprint of the word MAXWELL. My bracelet was squished against Thatcher's little thigh and it left a mark for a minute...and I knew Max wasn't far from me. Hi Max.

Anyway, Max is on my mind a whole bunch as we approach his birthday.. more to come on that. And Thatcher's 7 month update! He's eating food! And has so many teeth!

best one we got.

This girl is SO much fun. She coordinates her outfits, her hair, her purse, her lip color. Just the best.

The stuff he's been saying lately keeps me laughing and laughing. Age 5.

my kids have had so much sugar this week.

water was freezing. Also I want to remember that Quinn calls the hot tub- "The hot bathtub"

I give the Easter Bunny like a 6.5/10 this year. 7 if I'm generous. Just off my game. 

I wish Izzie's dress came in my size. I love it. And Lincoln in the suit is always my favorite. 

Matching!

My boys.

This talk- I listen to it every year and it brings me so much peace. Turn it on sometime when you are folding laundry.

Sunday Will Come- Joseph Wirthlin