the grand and simple

This is my job right now. 

I went to pin this and realized it had already been pinned three times. 

I posted this on instagram the other day...that I have made it my theme for the year. Last year was "I can do hard things." I think that still applies always and forever, and to it may I add "The grand and the simple." I've had a lot of time to think about our situation, not understand it because I think its impossible at this point. Lincoln is three. He will be four by the time he has a living younger sibling. Four years is a long time at this point in my life. I don't want these years to be "sad years." I don't want to "just barely scrape by." I want them to be vibrant and happy, full of good memories and productive days. I want to stretch my body and my mind, be creative, be the kind of mother that my mother is to me. 

Lots of stories have come out of the woodwork lately of people who have had hard trials. Maybe I have just been more aware of them the last couple of years, but friends/acquaintances/strangers have difficult things too. Cancer, loss of a loved one, infertility, divorce. Losing a parent. Losing a spouse. Losing a child. Or two children. And yet... the stories that I have read end up being more uplifting than depressing. These people have chosen not to let tragedy define them. One woman's blog chronicled her seven miscarriages. SEVEN. I can't imagine...She has five healthy children now, and is on the other side of that huge grey cloud in her life. I'm not saying all is well and fine and they have no problems now, but that particular hurdle has been overcome. 

I really really sincerely hope that in five years time I will look back at this grey cloud of ours, and the darkness will have lifted and there will be sunshine for days. Honestly I really want to be happy and I want our family to be happy and I pray every single day that we will be able to do that. I could focus so much on this time that has to pass, the waiting and praying and hoping, and I will of course to some degree... but I don't want that to dictate my life. I am still a mother. I am still a wife. 

And so YES I am counting down the days until my body is healed. (and my emotions too.) More than anything I want another healthy baby in my arms. If I let it, it can feel so far away. But in the mean time....

I can do hard things. Both the grand, and the simple. 

quick trip to utah...

The day after Christmas, we abandoned our new toys and threw everything in the car for a quick trip to Utah. A surprise birthday party was planned for my Uncle Chip, and we wanted to be there... plus we could sneak in some time with Jazz's side of the family as well. I took my big camera on the trip which was hilarious because I took about five pictures, none of them blog quality. Thank goodness for iphones.

We stayed with my Aunt and Uncle for a few days in their basement, full of trains and dress ups and a slot machine. Like an actual functioning slot machine. You can guess where my kids spent most of their time. Tami is an amazing cook, she always whips stuff up and we tease her because she says, "oh it's SO easy." No. It isn't. Just for her. Not everyone has homemade vanilla and buttermilk cinnamon syrup on hand.

I guess AG Isabelle (American girl isabelle. whats what we are calling her) didn't get the nap memo. 

fancy hot chocolate

We "played" in the snow for a few minutes. Took much longer to get their clothes on than they actually spent out there, but it was still fun. By the time we left on Monday morning, the yard was white and it was still coming down. I will say- I do miss the snow once a year. Like, if we could get snow here once, maybe twice I would be fine with that. I'm sure Jazz doesn't miss shoveling it though, and I don't miss being infinity cold.

We headed up to Jazz's mothers home in Willard, north of Ogden. It was cold, like one degree. I am serious. I have never in my life been outside and been so cold. This picture of us at the newly redone Ogden temple doesn't look cold, but I didn't pack tights... didn't pack a dress coat, and it was seven degrees. I was so frozen by the time we got into the lobby I needed a few minutes to thaw out. Jazz made fun of me for stopping to take a picture but it was so beautiful outside despite our suffering.

Our Sorensen cousins came up with us and the kids were SO HAPPY to have little playmates. Ellie is 11 and I swear I would have her babysit for us on a regular basis, she kept those kids so entertained and happy. Isabelle was in heaven with a "big girl" cousin. Like I said, it was FREEZING so our adventures were contained to inside. We usually go up to Snowbasin and take the lift up for lunch which is always so fun, but it was negative degrees up there at the lodge, so no. And sad sad sad, Lincoln got a terrible cold. You can tell in these pictures he just doesn't feel well. He mostly sat on my lap and slept and carried his pacis around. (Yes he still has a paci...topic for another day.)

getting matching ink

Linc in his favorite undies with his new favorite dog. "I want to ride him!" No Lincoln, no.

We drove past the Brigham City temple, it was closed for New Year's but I forced the girls get out for this picture. 

the girls put on a play. it was adorable. they rehearsed and everything.

cousin sleepover. listening to them chit chat and giggle was insanely adorable

aaaand this is where Lincoln slept.

Poor Linc.

this is how the ride home went. he was so sick.

It was a short trip, we definitely didn't get to do or see all of the things we wanted to! Syd and Garrett... we will have to catch you next time. And I'm not kidding I didn't shop AT ALL. No rack, no taipan, nothing. No swig! No cupcakes! Also did Bajio go out of business? All I wanted in the whole world was shrimp tacos and we went to three different locations, ALL CLOSED. Is the one at Riverwoods open? We settled for cafe rio but they were out of pork (may as well close the restaurant then). I was not impressed. 

The kids did really well on the way home but I think we were all happy to get in our own beds. 

Lincoln's Third Birthday

The only kind of party we could do for Lincoln  this year was a FIRE AND RESCUE party. I gotta be honest, I really wasn't feeling like throwing a party after the past couple of weeks, but I had already mailed out the invitations and Lincoln was so excited. (And we will do pretty much anything for our kids, right moms?) It turned out really beneficial to have a project to fill my spare time. Hashtag, distractions.

I asked him what kind of cake he wanted and he told me he didn't want cake...Only donuts, crunchy bacon and blue lollipops. This is the kind of thing I can handle! So we turned it into a brunch- firetrucks, airplanes, and breakfast food.

Here are the blue lollipops. Airplane style.

 

Guys this is the best one we got. 50%.

Our little firefighter buddies!

We did this sweet white trash pinata set up because it was COLD outside. 

Bennett is showing me his sticky fingers. If Bennett isn't around, find him in the kitchen. With the food.

This one is from his actual birthday morning, he was so excited. 

A couple of low-key games, some food, and candles on his chocolate donut and we were done. Actually my favorite part of the party is always after the "business" part of the party is over and everyone just sits around and talks while the kids dump out all the toy buckets and run amok. 

You know I love birthdays. I was so glad we went through with the party- Lincoln had a insanely fun day and he kept saying "all my fwends ah he-ah!" I'm so glad we have so many close friends and family to celebrate my babies. It takes a village, and I'm part of a good one.

well, now what.

Last Friday, Lincoln and I had a really great day together, just the two of us. We played people and read stories and ate breakfast across from one another. We went outside in the cold and blew bubbles and buried plastic animals in the sand. I was sore but not terribly so, and I have had lots of help the last weeks.

I have such a beautiful life. I love my children so much I could explode. I was looking at their profiles tonight before bed and their little faces still look like their baby faces. I am so lucky to be their mom and to share my days with them. And guys, I could not do this without my other half. He has done everything in his power to help me and support me and make this easier. There is no other person in the world that understands how I feel better than he does, because he has experienced it all by my side. Sunday at church, the closing song was "count your blessings" and I could NOT get through it without tears. I have SO MUCH to be thankful for!

But I do cry a lot. I cry sometimes in the shower when I'm truly alone. Sometimes I cry when I'm driving, just a little bit so the kids don't see. I cry when my friends ask how I am doing, or when flowers show up at my door. I cry when Isabelle asks me why our babies have to stay in heaven, and when she asks me if we will ever get to keep a baby. I just can't believe we have to start over, that we are back where we were nearly nine months ago. And endure another first trimester, no one likes that part. We felt so safe, so in the clear. Between this experience and our experience with Max, there will never be a time that we feel "in the clear" again.

I am REALLY trying to be positive about the situation. REALLY. I do not understand, I don't know why this is the plan for us. Wednesday after my surgery, we were home. At dinnertime, Jazz went over to my parents' to get the kids and bring them home. There was a knock at the door- a friend from church...someone who has had more than her fair share of trials. She stood there with her kids, arms full of real homemade food and fresh flowers and buckets of hand me down toys. And I just couldn't keep it together. People are SO GOOD. We have had so many messages and cards and gifts, I know that everyone is mourning and hurting with us. We feel all of those well wishes and prayers and it is so helpful to know we aren't alone.

There were some bumps to this pregnancy that we didn't discuss. One day in December I was in the ER for a few hours because my heart rate was 170 and I was randomly in atrial fibrillation. Have you heard of this? A fib? It means that your heart is not beating in a regular rhythmic pattern. It is not generally for people that are 30 years old. I did a whole cardio workup, ekg, echocardigram, halter monitor for 24 hours, all fine. It was really weird and we checked all my blood work and one of my thyroid chemicals was very very off. We're keeping an eye on all that to make sure they return to normal. I'm still not considered "high risk"- as far as we know there was nothing abnormal with the pregnancy and it was just one of those things that happens. Total sucky answer but, that's all I got.

Now what.

We start over. We count the months. Wait out the days. Try not to be too sad. We were 6 months from a fresh baby and now best case scenario, it's twice that. Maxwell's birthday is getting nearer I thought for sure I would be nice and pregnant by the time we celebrated his day.

If you have any ideas or if there is something that helped you with grief, please pass it on. This week is much better than last week, and it has been really nice to have the distraction of planning Lincoln's birthday party. Staying busy helps. I feel more hope this week than last week, and for that I am thankful.

Christmas Day

I'd like to post about Lincoln's birthday and our trip to Utah, but I need to post about Christmas first... which was like three weeks ago. Whateverrrrr.

Christmas Day was happy. The kids were happy. We were happy watching them open the gifts we had been stashing away for months. It was nice to be happy. My parents came over in the morning because for the first time in thirty years, they had an empty house! 

Kids slowly opened their presents. Lincoln opened his new trains and then he had tunnel vision and couldn't tear himself away from them to do anything else. My kids always go for their stockings first. They love to pull all the crap out and before I notice, Lincoln has half a chocolate Santa in his mouth.

Jazz and I purchased grown up people couches (to be delivered in the next 2-4 months!) so we called that Christmas for each other..but we always do stockings... Jazz does this cute thing where he lays out my stocking on Christmas Eve and then covers it with a blanket so I can't peek and see what is in it while I am getting everything else out. I'll keep him. 

Santa brought Isabelle an Isabelle doll. She was thrilled.

I didn't do a great job taking pictures but we had a great day. We had en EPIC quadruple nap in the afternoon- you know those kinds of naps where you wake up and it's dark and you're like what day is it where am I is this a cocoon. We were late to dinner because we all were post-nap sluggish and had to get everyone ready.  I love this little family picture of us. We had such a happy day.

Lincoln Michael, age three

Dear Lincoln on your third birthday,

I've started writing you this letter several times. I've been thinking so much about your middle of the night delivery. I was exhausted, I could barely see straight, and you were perfect. So small. You were content and calm right away, and you laid on me without complaint. The pictures of those first few days are so special to me, little memories of our first moments together. Sacred time.

All I want to tell you today on your birthday is how much I love you. When my heart is heavy, when I'm struggling, you come and lay by me in my bed. You stick your whole body under the covers and whisper "I wuv you mama." You let me hold you and play in your hair and scratch your neck. And still at age three and 33 pounds, you occasionally fall asleep on my shoulder. You are more than I could ever ask for, and for that I will love you forever. "To da moon!" as you like to say.

Lincoln you keep us busy, you love to be outside. I think you wipe yourself out because you still take a hefty nap everyday, long past when your sister gave up her nap. You are FULL of spunk and hilarious faces and constantly make us laugh. You continue to be stubborn, though you are getting a little easier to reason with. Last week you sat in time out for fifty (five zero) minutes because you didn't want to apologize to Isabelle. The king of tantrums.

You love Izzie with all of your heart. You take her toys and chase her around the house and lay on her entire body to "hug" her. When we go to pick her up, you patiently wait at the gate until she comes into view and then you RUN to her. She is the closest sibling you will ever have, and I hope you will be friends forever.

You and I spend our days together, sometimes we sit in our pajamas and play trains and zoo and fire and rescue. Your favorite book is Green Eggs and Ham. Sometimes we get dressed and run errands, sometimes to the park or to Grandma's house. You are my little companion.

When I look through pictures of you, as a newborn and a baby and a toddler and now a three year old, you look the same to me. That narrow face, little chin and softy soft skin. You are the same. You are equally as delicious as the day you were born, and if I loved you any more, my heart would explode.

Love you to da moon.

xoxo

momma

Christmas Eve

I'm trying to distract myself. May as well keep the blog current.

Christmas Eve feels like months ago.... I can hardly remember what we did. I know we made cookies, and we visited Max (the 24th marked eight months since his birth.) It was another hard day, another hurdle. But look at these faces. Are they cute or what?

It was the "off year" for all of my siblings so it was a low key gathering. We ate my favorite meal of the year- crab and clam chowder... They were seriously the fattest and meatiest crabs ever. (If you are wondering, we dip in thousand island dressing instead of butter. Try it.)

We opened our jammies with our cousins..

And Santa stopped by our friends house for a visit.

Isabelle was all excited to prep Santa's plate. 

"Dear Santa, thank you. I have been a good girl. For Christmas I want a leap-pad, Isabelle doll, and can you please fix Olivia's hair. I love, Isabelle." I am keeping this forever. She spent about an hour on this note, color coordinating and trying to get the spacing right. We swapped out her Olivia doll- our last spare.. let's hope it holds for a few more years.

I had most everything wrapped in advance so I think we were in bed by about 9:30. We didn't have enough people for our nativity this year! So we used our soft felt nativity set and acted it out like that. Sort of worked. Lincoln mostly destroyed stuff. It was very reverent.