easter festivities

I love Easter weekend. It's always a good time, having kids makes holidays just really super fun. Saturday we had a big egg hunt at my parents' house with some of our cousins and little buddies. They hide a couple hundred eggs and then golden eggs for the grown ups. I half watch the kids find treats but also like MUST FIND THE EGG. Sorensen team, three years running.

going over hunt rules. 

love his face. and his freckles.

examining their bounty

stink eye

After the hunt, the kids just played outside in the glorious weather with their hoards of chocolate and we sat on the porch and chit chatted. We brought Bitzer over and though it doesn't look like it here, Baylor thought that dog was pretty great.

Mom made a bunch of PB and H sandwiches for the kids and had meat and cheese and yummy rolls for the grown ups. I've learned so much from her about life in general but also about hostessing a group of people. She always has things on hand and bring out "just in case." She opens her home to us and our friends and never complains about the mess or the hassle of it all. She really does enjoy it and she has this special thing with little children- they just gravitate to her. And she scooters with them.

this kid. british swim trunks, goggles, soggy water wings, helmet. WINNING.

Linc and Luke! Our friends from Hawaii

Sunday morning was a bit of a rush to accomplish Easter Baskets and also get to church by 9 am. Every year I overbuy chocolate and jellybeans and stuff and then SWEAR that next year I will buy less stuff. I guess it's better to be prepared? Dollar section at Target, you are excellent.

Realllllly excited about twix eggs.

My little loves, Easter morning. 

Easter was actually a little bit more emotional than I had expected. Time goes by and sometimes I forget how fresh and painful grief can be. Our lesson at church was all about the Atonement. It's just such a special gift and hits so close to home for me. I sat in the front and UGLY CRIED through the whole thing, like people were handing me tissues. Awkward. I never can predict when that is going to surface and I'm going to need some support from my group. People are are kind and sensitive and concerned, and that is always helpful.

I think about Max a lot. Even though it is really painful sometimes I just need to re-live that day with him, just to feel him again. And it's hard and it hurts but it also reminds me that I'm his mother, and that he was real, he IS real, and he is ours.

There is this talk by Elder Wirthlin that is circulating again thanks to a mormon message. I need to read and re read it, it's so wonderful.

"But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, in this life or the next, Sunday will come." -Elder Wirthlin

I am so looking forward to that Sunday when my family will be all together again. 

14 weeks

Tuesday was another appointment to check on the baby. I was so nervous I think I made myself sick waiting in the lobby. Our last two pregnancies ended abruptly at 13 weeks and five days. We needed to get past that point, to hear a strong heartbeat, and to see a wiggly little baby. There is that ten second delay when the ultrasound starts until my doctor can see what she needs to see. Those ten seconds are so brutal.

And guys, so far so good. Every week when I am still pregnant I cry just a little bit- relief, nerves,the uncertainty of this entire process, and the knowledge that at any point this could be over- it's a lot to handle! I will never take a healthy baby for granted, ever. There are so many things can go wrong, it's a miracle that it ever goes right.

We still haven't told the kids. I just can't. Yet. I'm also not really fitting into my pants these days but I'm procrastinating getting out my maternity things just because. You know.

I said I would be relieved at 14 weeks, and I am. Sort of! Miscarriage rate at this point is less than 2%. Unfortunately, statistics don't mean much to me anymore. Battin' a thousand! So thankful we have made it this far, so many prayers answered.

There's this quote by Jane Austin- "I am half agony, half hope." That's kinda how I feel. I'm so incredibly hopeful. I have so much faith this baby will come home with us! But at the same time, the nature of being patient and waiting makes me feel insane. One day at a time, over and over and over. Time feels so slow.

But we are doing it! Hard things, we are doing them.

phone dump

I have an iphone, but also have windows PC and it is really sucky to get my photos from my phone to my laptop to save them slash put them on my blog. My phone is 64 gigs so I have currently ten thousand pictures on my phone. If I hook it up to my laptop via USB cord, it takes about FOREVER to sync them all before I select the ones I want. So I have to EMAIL myself the pictures because it is so much faster. There has to be a better way! I know you are going to suggest that I get a Mac and guys that's just not happening. 

Anyway. I emailed myself a bunch of pictures like it was 2005 so I could write about what we have been up to lately. Up until last week we had gorgeous weather in California. Sunny, but not hot (all you need is a light jacket!). 

Linc and I get a lot of time together one on one. Izzie goes to school everyday, and he only has preschool twice a week for a few hours. Take naps out of the equation and there are quite a few hours to fill. I'm really enjoying this time though, for the most part. I know many moms don't get this chance to have just ONE kid all to themselves. As soon as Izzie leaves for school, he says "Mom come pay wif me." We play for awhile, then eat breakfast. Then he wants to play some more. We put the laundry in, and play peoples, empty the dishwasher, then race all of his cars down the track. I have this major mom guilt that I don't spend enough time with him (and Izzie too) because I have to maintain the house and cook and get groceries and run errands etc. If I could have a super power it might be to wake up hair and makeup done perfectly ready for the day, it would save me so much time. Actually my super power would always be to have a super fast metabolism, but this would be my SECOND super power. 

Remember the olden days when people just sent their kids outside all day? Or made them work? Like they had to grind their flour and churn butter from cream and yeah they probably didn't have a lot of extra time to sit and color with each kid for hours. Why do we feel so much pressure to do everything! I constantly have to remind myself like hey, you are doing fine, chill out. Mom guilt.

I think he has outgrown this swing? Possibly?

Friday adventure group with his buddies.

Linc and Bennett, and our favorite park. Look at that SKY!

Bitzer is getting bigger. He is REAL CUTE. 

He LOVES the fireplace. It's like he is sedated and drunk. Just flops around.

The only way to go. (Also I can't keep holes from his knees. help.)

And Izzie, always my sweetiepie. She knew Dr. Suess day was coming up so she made a hat, whiskers, and a bow during "quiet time."

 

Doing "Experiments." I want to crop and frame Lincoln's chubby toddler hand. My fav.

Poor Isabelle had a terrible ingrown toe nail for weeks. It got worse and worse and finally we had to do something. Grandpa brought home the big meds and had to block her toe to cut it out. She was SO BRAVE and it hurt, I know it hurts because I have been there. She got to play on my phone after and the kids were all entertained. Cousins. 

And my friends came to visit! Leigh and Mex came a couple weeks ago for the weekend. We read people magazine and sat on my couch and ate cheeseball and went out to noodles. Just like all my favorite things. AND they brought a freaking pinata for my kids. Pro status. 

kindergarten pick up time

family day at clover creek

board games with Linc. He likes to cheat.

Izzie made this for her door- "No dogs allowed, only humans. Girls and boys welcome to the club"

I love our days together, doing chores and taking play breaks. Eating lunch together then going to get Izzie from school. Homework, violin, some sort of dinner, baths and bed. Repeat. That's not to say I don't want to pull my hair out from time to time, or a lot. Linc still throws some olympic tantrums, and Isabelle gets really tired from all of her activities. And I am tired! By the way! That first trimester can't-keep-my-eyelids-open sort of tired, at like 11:45 am. Yikes. This too shall pass, and I know I will never regret the time I sit and play sneaky squirrel with Linc or pull out the American girls with Izzie. Mom guilt is real, I think it comes with the territory- am I right? Still think this is a pretty sweet job I landed...

hopeful

It's been kind of quiet over here for awhile. We've been busy in our regular routine of school and errands and dinners and baths and bed... the weeks go by quickly. I guess I haven't written a lot lately, I've been preoccupied a little bit because I'm pregnant.

I have mixed feelings about announcing this to the world- I have not put it on facebook or instagram or here until now- only a few close family friends know. I'm to the point where I would tell people anyway if things did not go as well as we hope they go... but I'm hesitant to announce because our kids don't know yet. I can't tell Isabelle she is going to be a big sister again, only to have to sit her down later to explain things I don't even fully understand. Not a ton of people read this blog so I figure this is the safest place to discuss this because OH MAN if this hasn't been emotionally draining.

I'm 12 weeks. I'm measuring right on track, everything looks good so far. At 8 weeks I had massive bleeding and assumed the worst, only to find we have a resilient baby with a really great heartbeat. I had a hematoma in my uterus, basically a pocket of blood just chilling and since then it has gotten smaller.  My OB is so amazing, has been by my side for two years cheering us on and is so positive about everything. She scans me every week to check on everything, but also for my peace of mind I think. She is so compassionate.

Every test we have done in the past has come back normal, so we don't have any explanation for our losses. My OB has me on extra folic acid, progesterone, and a baby aspirin everyday just empirically. It feels nice to be doing something proactive, even if it is small, gives me hope that this will be different.

So here we are again. Nearing the end of the first trimester. We've lost the last two at 14 weeks, so our first goal is to get past that. My track record after that is 100%! I am hopeful. But also, terrified. I keep waiting for the bad news, for something to go wrong, for the other shoe to drop. There are times when I feel like this is actually going to work, and that we will get to bring home a real live baby in September. And other times I make hypothetical plans in my head "in case" we get bad news. It is exhausting.

I keep going back to my little theme for the year- "Peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let your heart not be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27.  I am doing literally everything I can for this pregnancy. I'm following all of my OB's instructions, I don't miss a day of medication, like hey I'm not doing meth or smoking a bunch of cigarettes. It is out of my hands, and that is comforting. We pray daily for this little baby to grow and be healthy and to be able to come home with us.